


sunlight on your skin

by kkulbear



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27830401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkulbear/pseuds/kkulbear
Summary: in which two dumb boys finally work things out.
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 9
Kudos: 85





	sunlight on your skin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marklovezone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marklovezone/gifts).



> follow me on twt!! @ch5woodz

“No, I don’t think you understand the magnitude of this conversation, jackass,” Yukhei spewed out through heavy lips. “There’s no fucking way that water is wet. It’s scientifically impossible.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s goddamn water. Water is the fucking epitome of wetness. It makes everything wet and you’re trying to sit there and tell me that bullshit? You’re deluded.” Kun crossed his arms over his chest, rolling his eyes and scooting back in his seat.

Yukhei rose to his feet, nearly taking Jungwoo to the floor with him in the unexpected movement.

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Jungwoo-- Listen here you absolute dumbass it's COMMON SENSE. Water is not wet. To say something is wet means that the water on the surface of that something can be removed. You get caught outside in the rain you say ‘aw, my hair got wet, now I have to get it redone,’ ‘aw, my shoes got wet, now I gotta let them sit outside and dry.’ YOU DON’T SAY THAT THE. OCEAN. GETS. WET. IT'S JUST WATER. WATER IS WATER.”

“Jungwoo how are you still with--” Kun waved his hands in the air, motioning toward Yukhei. “That.” 

“Don’t bring me into your dumbass argument. I don’t even want to be here. Why couldn’t we have gone out instead?” Jungwoo pouted, furrowing his brow.

“Hey! It’s not dumb! Besides, Xiaojun didn’t want to go out because he has class tomorrow.”

Jungwoo shot daggers at Xiaojun, making him suddenly feel small in his seat. “Anyways, Kun you stupid bitch, I’m only going to say one more thing and then we will never talk about this again.  Being a liquid, water is not itself wet, but can make other solid materials wet. Wetness is the ability of a liquid to adhere to the surface of a solid, so when we say that something is wet, we mean that the liquid is sticking to the surface of a material.” Yukhei ran his fingers through his hair and shed himself of his jacket, red face indicative of how he was feeling. He took his seat back with Jungwoo and he laid his head on Yukhei’s shoulder. Xiaojun felt jealous of how they could sit together and just exist. How they could be so close in front of everyone. Xiaojun missed it, his fingers longing to reach out and wrap around Kunhang’s bicep and rest his head on him; but Xiaojun made not a move. His eyes trailed over to Kunhang who sat with his legs under him across the room. He raised his eyebrows as he made eye contact with Xiaojun. Xiaojun couldn’t help but smile, averting his eyes as quickly as they had met. 

“Yeah, I don't really think that water’s wet. I just love getting you amped up.” 

Yukhei deadpanned at Kun, jabbing his middle finger toward him. “Eat a dick.”

Xiaojun heard Kunhang scoff but didn’t dare look back across to him. He could already feel redness blossoming across his cheeks. 

“Did anyone bring anything?” Kunhang’s voice cut through the silence.

“I did, I thought you’d never ask.” Kun said, holding up a baggie between his fingers. 

Kunhang got up, walking over to the loveseat that Yukhei and Jungwoo had taken up residence on. He reached behind the seat and pulled with him a long green glass piece. He sat on the arm of the loveseat next to Jungwoo and clutched it in his fingers, fishing a lighter out of his pocket.

“Kun can you bring some ice?” 

Kun rose, returning swiftly with a cup of ice and handed it to Kunhang. He reached inside the cup, grabbing a few cubes and letting them slide into the bubbler, getting stuck right before they hit the water in the bottom reservoir. Kun produced a grinder, picking a few buds out of his bag and sticking them inside. He twisted it before handing it over to Kunhang, letting him put it into the pipe. He packed it down, putting his mouth on the end and lighting it. He waved his lighter around the bowl, his breath pulling the flame inside as it bubbled to life. He inhaled, the smoke flowing up the glass and into Kunhang’s mouth. He held it there for a second before the smoke bellowed out of his nose. 

“Who’s next?”

The room became hazy quickly as they passed it around, the still atmosphere causing the smoke to linger around them. Xiaojun had been skipped a couple times already when the bubbler made its rounds, but he could feel himself getting a contact high from the murkiness surrounding him. 

“Sit on the floor with me, Juni.” Xiaojun looked down, Kunhang sitting there and looking up at him with red eyes.

Xiaojun smirked, sliding out of his seat as the pipe made its way back to Kunhang. Xiaojun was honestly not too big into smoking unless it was with Kunhang-- which the other was well aware of. Kunhang lit the bowl, accumulating smoke before pulling it and holding it in his lungs. He turned to Xiaojun, his thumb pulling down his bottom lip and Xiaojun panicked, unable to move. His eyes went wide, waiting for Kunhang’s lips to press warmly against his own. He felt like his breath was knocked out of him as Kunhang leaned in closer, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly parted. Smoke was blown into his open mouth and it took Xiaojun a few seconds to react, breathing in the remaining smoke with his eyes still open wide. Kunhang pulled back, smiling wide with his thumb still on Xiaojun’s chin. He trailed it down his neck, to his shoulder, down his arm, and let his fingers linger on his hand for a moment. His gaze stayed pointed at Xiaojun for what felt like too long and Xiaojun realised he was still holding his breath. 

He let the smoke out of his lungs, coughing madly as it whipped from between his lips. His eyes watered and his chest felt tingly from the bout of fear that had swept over him moments before. He looked up, dragging the heel of his hand across one of his eyes to wipe his tears and Kun was looking at him, an eyebrow raised.

“You good?”

“I’m fine.” Xiaojun’s voice sounded hoarse. 

Kunhang stood up next to Xiaojun and he looked up at him, blinking once before the world became more vibrant than before. He felt a smile play on his lips as he made eye contact with Kunhang above him. Kunhang’s hand dropped to Xiaojun’s head, fingers carding through his hair before he walked away from him, making his way toward the minifridge that Kun always kept stocked with drinks and  _ drinks.  _ Kunhang fished out a water bottle and was back beside Xiaojun before he knew it. Kunhang uncapped the water and handed it to him. 

-x-

Xiaojun definitely wasn’t high when he made it back to his apartment. He wasn’t high when Kunhang had him pushed up against the bathroom wall and he did nothing and wanted to do nothing to stop Kunhang. Xiaojun’s hand caressed the back of Kunhang’s head, sliding past his ear and pulling the joint that Kunhang had rolled before leaving Kun’s place from behind his ear where he’d had it tucked away. Kunhang smiled, nuzzling his nose against Xiaojun’s cheek and leaving one last kiss that Xiaojun felt on his lips long after he had pulled away. Kunhang lit the joint and immediately passed it to Xiaojun, ducking to the side to reach inside the shower and turn the water on. 

Xiaojun squeezed the joint between his index finger and thumb, inhaling deeply and exhaling just as fast. Kunhang’s fingers clutched at Xiaojun’s waist, making him shiver. He held out the joint to Kunhang, his lips brushing against his fingers as he took a hit. He connected his lips with Xiaojun’s again, exhaling through his nose. His lips felt cold against Xiaojun’s, but soft nonetheless. His arms were around Xiaojun’s, their half-hard clothed cocks grinding together desperately as Kunhang dipped his hands to knead his ass through his jeans. Xiaojun whimpered into Kunhang’s mouth. He smirked against his lips, running underneath his waistband. Xiaojun took a sharp breath in, Kunhang’s hands only one layer of clothing away from making contact with his bare skin.

Steam fogged the bathroom as hot water had been spouting from the showerhead for quite some time while they finished the joint. Xiaojun felt light and airy, his head was clouded by a feeling that made him feel like he wasn’t real. Even in this state Xiaojun felt a bit self conscious around Kunhang. Kunhang was fast to shed his clothes and pull back the shower curtain. His back muscles rippled beneath his skin as he ran his hand under the water.

“It’s hot.”

“I-- what?” Xiaojun was pulled from his thoughts and his mouth went dry when he heard the word “hot.” Jesus, Xiaojun was so easy to get flustered.

“The water, it's hot.” Kunhang turned around and Xiaojun couldn’t help but stare. It definitely wasn't the first time that he’d seen Kunhang naked. “I’ll get in without you, Juni, but don’t make me drag you in.” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. There was something underlying in his tone, Xiaojun could  _ feel _ it. The way the words rolled off his tongue was just too smooth. 

Xiaojun stood there, his mouth hanging open like an idiot before laughing at the way Kunhang had wiggled his eyebrows. It wasn’t funny in the slightest and if anything he found it endearing but the only way he could express the tingling that was swelling in his chest was to laugh. Kunhang looked at him, catching Xiaojun staring and he had a sultry expression as he stepped into the shower, the water striking against his body and wetting his hair as he was surrounded by the mist. Xiaojun looked at him like he was some sort of siren, tempting him to jump into the waters before him, to just take the plunge.

Xiaojun blinked a few times, his mind finally connecting the dots before kicking into gear. Two men, showering naked together, Xiaojun could put two and two together. He shed his jacket onto the floor and started to undo his jeans, fumbling with the zipper that had gotten caught on his underwear the last time he zipped it up. He let them pool around his ankles before stepping out of the pile of denim and pulling his shirt over his head, leaving him in just his underwear. Xiaojun felt small despite his size knowing that Kunhang was going to see him naked again for the first time in weeks, he felt exposed and breathless. He hooked his thumbs in the elastic band and inhaled, sliding them down his legs and stepping into the shower with Kunhang.

Xiaojun faced the shower head and let the water envelop him, feeling completely encased in the hot embrace. He heard a small laugh coming from behind him.

“God, you’ve always had such a nice ass, Juni.”

“Shut up.” Xiaojun felt his cheeks grow pinker as he blushed, his brow furrowing as he turned around and fuck was he hit with electricity. Kunhang had pushed his fringe out of his eyes and he was dripping with water, his body was sculpted. Kunhang was art.

Xiaojun pulled Kunhang into him, kissing him again. This time the kiss was a bit more urgent and Kunhang didn’t hesitate to slide his hands down Xiaojun’s back and squeeze his ass-- no fabric separating them this time-- before slapping his right cheek and rubbing the skin where his hand had smacked, soothing the sting against Xiaojun’s skin. Xiaojun nearly yelped, not expecting him to smack his ass and bit Kunhang’s lip, groaning into his mouth.

Xiaojun was fuelled by pure lust at this point-- all he wanted to do was to make Kunhang feel good. He  _ needed  _ to make him feel good. He longed to see his face tense with pleasure and to hear the obscenities spill from between Kunhang’s lips because of  _ him. _ He started to kiss down Kunhang’s chest, making him suck in air through his teeth as Xiaojun swirled his tongue around a dusty nipple. His hands lingered on Xiaojun’s hips and found themselves on his shoulders as Xiaojun settled on his knees. Kunhang was already hard and he looked away, becoming a little embarrassed by how eager he was already.

The two fell silent as Xiaojun welled up some saliva and spit into his hand, not letting the water into his palm. Some video he had watched before the first time he and Kunhang had fucked played in the background of his mind, a voice droning on that  _ water is not a lubricant.  _ He giggled softly.

“What is it?” Kunhang looked down and Xiaojun met eyes with him.

“It’s nothing.”

Xiaojun ran his hand along Kunhang’s length, making him shudder. Kunhang took his hands off of Xiaojun’s shoulders, a single hand now resting at the back of Xiaojun’s head entangled in his hair. He gave him a few encouraging strokes before removing his hand and bringing his lips to Kunhang’s tip. He kissed it, planting his hands on Kunhang’s hips to steady himself. A gentle “ _ Ah, _ ” dropped from Kunhang’s lips as Xiaojun’s tongue dug into his slit. Xiaojun brought one of his hands back to Kunhang’s cock and used it to stroke what his mouth couldn’t reach. Xiaojun ran his tongue back and forth, stroking at Kunhang’s frenulum just how he liked it. Kunhang didn’t last long, his breathy moans bounced and echoed off the shower walls as his hips jerked, pushing further into Xiaojun’s mouth making him gag around his length. 

Kunhang thrusted into Xiaojun’s throat, making spit ooze out of the corners of his mouth and drip onto his thighs below. Xiaojun couldn’t believe the sounds that were coming from himself as he involuntarily choked around Kunhang but he didn’t want to stop, looking up at him and seeing his eyebrows knit together, jaw unhinged as his moans got higher and more desperate, chasing his end.

“Are you okay, baby?” Kunhang said breathlessly. Xiaojun answered him by raising his eyebrows. He didn’t let up, he kept sucking, running his tongue over Kunhang and swallowing around him until his pace stuttered and he pushed himself into Xiaojun’s mouth as deep as he could making Xiaojun’s eyes water before he pulled out of his mouth. Kunhang tried to turn away but Xiaojun kept his hands on his hips, opening his mouth and sticking his tongue out. Kunhang came on Xiaojun’s face and he made a show of cleaning himself up, using his fingers to collect the sticky ropes that adorned his face and sucking them clean one by one.

“I’m sorry,” Kunhang said breathlessly. “It’s been a while, and the weed…”

Xiaojun smiled up at him, pressing his cheek against his thigh and leaving small kisses against his skin. “You don’t have to apologise.” Xiaojun was painfully hard by then. He stood up in the shower, nearly falling on his ass. Kunhang caught him.

“I’ve got you, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.” Kunhang ran his hands over Xiaojun’s body, savouring every inch of him before turning him around and pressing his back flush against him. One hand stayed around Xiaojun’s waist while the other found its way to his dick, loosely pumping him and pressing his lips against his neck. Xiaojun rolled his head back, letting himself lean into Kunhang and rest against his shoulder. Kunhang’s pace quickened and his hand tightened around Xiaojun. Xiaojun’s own moans were growing louder, not giving any thought to the fact that he lived in an apartment complex as Kunhang stroked him to high heaven. His chest heaved and his hands found their way to Kunhang’s forearm, holding onto it for dear life. Sensitivity ripped through him as he tried to pull away, his body against Kunhang’s giving him nowhere to back away to. Kunhang rubbed the head of his cock with his palm, nearly making him lose his balance again. He turned slightly in Kunhang’s arms, his mouth connecting to his neck and his teeth grazing Kunhang’s skin before he bit down, anchoring himself back into the world as Kunhang hissed through his teeth.

Xiaojun’s orgasm rocked through him, leaving him out of breath. He was shivering in the aftermath as Kunhang rubbed his fingers along his softening dick, making Xiaojun twitch before letting it slip out of his hand. He was out of breath and felt weak beyond measure, his wobbling knees threatening to buckle at any moment. Kunhang kissed Xiaojun’s cheek before bringing his hand to his neck, rubbing where Xiaojun had bit him.

“Shit, you did a number on me. I don’t even wanna see what it looks like.”

Xiaojun turned around on wobbly legs, facing Kunhang and letting his fingers trace over the bite mark that had already started blooming into a deep bruise. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Ah… don’t worry about it. We’re on break after tomorrow anyways and I won’t have to worry about hiding it.” Kunhang’s hand dropped from his neck and found its way to Xiaojun’s bare hip, pulling him closer. “But I bet it does look kinda cool, huh?”

Xiaojun reveled in Kunhang’s touch, his arms automatically going around his narrow waist and feeling like he was holding onto him for dear life.

“You can say you got bitten in the neck by a snake.”

Kunhang said something but Xiaojun couldn’t stop staring at his lips. How they stretched over his teeth when he smiled and how white and straight his teeth were. Did Kunhang have dentures? He would’ve told Xiaojun, he’s sure of that. But how are they so perfect? Fuck, everything about Kunhang was perfect. Xiaojun giggled to himself, his eyes trailing up Kunhang’s face and meeting his narrowed eyes.

“Did you just hear anything that I said at all?”

“Huh?” Kunhang was speaking that whole time?

“You’re still really stoned aren’t you.” Kunhang said flatly, poking Xiaojun’s nose before stepping out of the shower, the water already off-- Xiaojun didn’t know when it got turned off or if he had even actually  _ showered _ in the shower.

“Of course I am.”

Kunhang held out his hand to help Xiaojun step over the wall of the tub. “Come on, Juni.”

  
  


Kunhang pulled Xiaojun down into the sheets, the older laying on top of him with his arms tightly pressing their bodies together.

“I don’t know if I can get hard again, I’m really fucking high.” Kunhang’s voice sounded like an echo in Xiaojun’s head.

“Me too. That’s okay, you don’t have to.” Xiaojun was a little disappointed, he wanted Kunhang to fuck him again, wanted to feel Kunhang inside of him because it felt like it had been so long since they had last been connected at the hips.

“I’ll try, hold on.”

Xiaojun scooted off of Kunhang as he grasped his shaft, tugging at it and trying to urge it back to life. Xiaojun was endeared seeing him like this. Kunhang’s dick was still a decent size when it was soft, but Xiaojun couldn’t help but think how cute it was. Xiaojun’s mind went blank as he watched Kunhang stroke himself, he was taken over by pure lust. His mouth went dry and he wanted to reach out and touch Kunhang, but the image of him trying to get it up with his eyebrows downturned and bitten lips was too fucking good to disrupt.

“You’re so fucking hot.” Kunhang whimpered a little, his cock starting to harden in his hand. 

Kunhang slowed his pace, opening his eyes. “Thank god. Lube?” 

Xiaojun rose to his feet, grabbing the bottle out of his underwear drawer and handing it to Kunhang. He sat gingerly on the bed, waiting to be told what to do. Kunhang clutched the bottle in his hand, raising to his knees above Xiaojun. He looked down at him, matching his gaze. Kunhang looked like pure sex, his wet hair dishevelled and his eyes half lidded, lips swollen and red with his hand gripping the base of his cock. Xiaojun swallowed, his throat feeling thick. Kunhang tapped his dick against Xiaojun's lips a couple times, he kissed the blushing tip, never breaking eye contact.

“Roll over for me, yeah?” 

-x-

Sunlight shone through the blinds and welcomed Xiaojun back to the world of the living. He had slept hard— and better than he had in what felt like ages. The bed felt so warm and he resented the fact that he had to venture out into the cold air to start his day. His eyes eased open, the blinds on the window up enough to where he could peer out and see the backside of the city. He could tell it was still early, as the light outside still had a rose-coloured tinge projecting itself upon the wispy clouds in the sky, and although it was a Tuesday morning, what he could see of the streets were still relatively empty. Xiaojun loved his little apartment and all that came with it… the view, quiet neighbours, and it was still pretty close to grocery stores and restaurants-- a suburban fucking dream. Xiaojun figured he had it pretty good. He took a deep breath, about to roll over when he realised he was pinned down by an arm, a warm figure moulded against his back.  _ Kunhang. _

Xiaojun could feel Kunhang’s lips pressed against the nape of his neck, his hot breath gently tickling his skin with every exhale. Xiaojun blinked a couple times before getting up the nerve to wiggle himself from Kunhang’s grip. He rolled over to face Kunhang, his arm still neatly draped over Xiaojun’s middle. Kunhang was a heavy sleeper and Xiaojun took advantage of the fact, holding onto those fleeting moments before he would stir awake. Xiaojun wedged his arm between them, tracing his finger over Kunhang’s bottom lip and up onto his cheek. He held his hand there for a moment, palm against Kunhang’s cheek as he gazed upon his pristine features. He was so fucking beautiful. An ache struck his chest as he took a deep breath in, wavering before retracting his hand and pressing himself into Kunhang’s chest. 

“I don’t get a good morning kiss?” his voice rumbled in his chest, deep with hints of sleep laced in his words. 

Xiaojun made eye contact with him briefly, looking up at him through his eyelashes before letting them nearly fall closed. He pressed soft kisses to Kunhang’s jaw with a gently open mouth, letting him take the lead when he angled his head down and captured Xiaojun’s lips. Kunhang’s were soft against his own. The kiss was lazy but it still made Xiaojun’s heart flutter to the point where the butterflies in his stomach had razor wings and were fighting to get out. Kunhang kissed hungrily down Xiaojun’s neck, leaving a slick trail of spit on his skin. Xiaojun took deep breaths, his breathing getting faster as his chest swelled. He felt everything all at once and it nearly made his heart physically hurt. He sucked in a sharp breath and pushed Kunhang back by the shoulders, throwing one of his legs over the younger and straddling his hips. He planted his hands beside his head before connecting their lips once again.

The physical part of this all was easy; it felt natural and Xiaojun swears they had done this a hundred times-- it was actually eight, Xiaojun had kept track up to that point… but seven of those had all been when he and Kunhang were  _ together,  _ number eight was last night, and Xiaojun noted that they were inching closer and closer to nine. The air felt stale in Xiaojun’s room as Kunhang advanced their kiss, running his fingertips along Xiaojun’s sides and made him shiver. He licked into Kunhang’s mouth and grinded down into his hips, eliciting a groan from him. Xiaojun could feel Kunhang’s length hardening beneath him so he rutted against him again, suddenly feeling needy as if Kunhang’s touch could put him back together and make him feel like a complete person.

“Oh fuck,” Xiaojun watched Kunhang’s small mouth as he took in deep breaths-- nothing like Xiaojun’s panicked ones-- and bit his lip as his hands settled on Xiaojun’s hips. He would have laughed at how easy it was to get Kunhang riled up-- and that's one of the reasons he thought that they would last, honestly. When it was Xiaojun, Kunhang was weak. Xiaojun knew what he liked and could get him going at the flip of a switch… it made him feel powerful. 

Kunhang’s hand connected to Xiaojun’s elbow, sliding down the length of his arm and grabbing his wrist. He brought Xiaojun’s hand to his mouth and kissed his palm, nuzzling into his hand and gently caressing it against his face. His stubble tickled Xiaojun’s hand but his skin was silky smooth. Xiaojun’s chest felt heavy again as Kunhang pulled him down, connecting their bare fronts together. and it all felt too intimate for Xiaojun in that moment. Kunhang was too sweet, treated him too well, seemed like he loved him too much for someone who had broken his heart just weeks before and Xiaojun felt like he couldn’t take it.

“I’m supposed to be in class in like ten minutes.” Xiaojun spoiled the moment a bit, hoping that Kunhang would take the hint.

“It’s the last class before break, I’m sure you can miss it this time Juni.” Xiaojun sighed in affirmation as Kunhang kissed the top of his head before letting him go. “Go if you need to, I know you’re busy.” he paused briefly. “But I do want you to stay.”

_ But you didn’t before. _ Xiaojun wanted so desperately to speak his mind but he stayed quiet, rolling off of Kunhang and letting his feet touch the cold floor for the first time that morning. He crossed the room, hearing the bed creak as Kunhang propped himself up on his elbow to watch Xiaojun get ready. Despite the time constraint, Xiaojun took his time. He stepped into a fresh pair of boxer briefs and pulled on some jeans and a white t-shirt.

“You look pretty.” Kunhang had said, causing Xiaojun to jump when he realised that Kunhang had crossed the floor and wrapped his arms around his waist, his head perched on his shoulder. Xiaojun liked the way it felt in his chest but he still knew that outside of his apartment everything would cease to be. The pair would go back to being almost-strangers and just another couple who couldn’t make it work and Xiaojun resented the fact. They were good friends before-- one might even dare to say best friends. But they simply could not go back to being  _ just  _ friends again. Not after everything that had happened.

Kunhang and Xiaojun had been in this weird in-between where on the outside they acted like they had never laid eyes on each other before. But once they hit the safe haven of Kunhang’s dorm or Xiaojun’s apartment, it was right back to how they were before they broke up. All the touchy-feely lovey-dovey honeymoon phase bullshit would come right back and it made Xiaojun feel like he was being punched in the gut whenever he saw Kunhang in class or with their mutual friends. Just knowing that it was so easy for Kunhang to pretend like there was nothing between them made him feel so used but he couldn’t help himself from crawling back into Kunhang’s arms behind closed doors.

“Thanks. I have the glow.”

“The glow?” Kunhang chuckled and poked Xiaojun’s cheek. “You mean the ‘I-got-fucked-last-night-glow?”

“Something like that you clown.” Xiaojun could feel his cheeks warm when Kunhang kissed his face and let him go, turning to walk out of Xiaojun’s room.

“I’m gonna go on and head back to my dorm, Juni. I’ll see you after your class unless you--”

“I’m probably going to start home right after class, it's a long drive.” And while Xiaojun  _ was  _ trying to avoid Kunhang so that he could stop feeling so fucking empty inside, the long drive was not a lie-- about three hours away from where they were currently standing if you speed-- which Kunhang was well aware of having come home with him on more than one occasion to meet his family. Xiaojun’s family had been so accepting of Kunhang, treating him like he was part of the family. Kunhang’s family had not been so keen on the fact that Kunhang was gay and so when he and Xiaojun got close, he brought him home with him every chance he got so he felt like he belonged somewhere. This was the first time Xiaojun would return home without Kunhang on his arm. Truthfully he did feel bad about leaving Kunhang alone on the break… but it was just three days plus the weekend so Kunhang would have to survive on his own. 

“Oh. Well I guess I’ll see you after the break then. Stay safe, Xiaojun.”

And with that, Kunhang left.

-x-

The ride home felt much longer than it ever had before on account of Xiaojun making the trek to his hometown alone. There was no one to fill the silence as he drove down the road and his bluetooth wouldn’t connect in his car so the thought of replacing the silence with music was out of the question. And not to mention the dull ache in his right knee from keeping it slightly bent to maintain equal pressure on the gas pedal on the winding road. He rolled into his hometown at about nine at night. Xiaojun came from a very small town so the only presence he was welcomed with was the glow of the traffic lights blinking at empty crossroads and darkened shop windows down the shell of a mainstreet. Xiaojun appreciated the silence in that moment, he felt like he was in a movie.

His house was dark as he pulled into the driveway, parking right before the garage that surely held his mom’s car. The key in his hand felt heavy; he hadn’t really been home since the New Year seven months earlier. Once he slipped into the darkened house he felt like he was a teenager again sneaking in past his curfew. Life as he knew it melted away as he was transported to a simpler time as the seemingly unoccupied house engulfed his senses. Xiaojun played along, stepping on the memorised path he had taken as to not make a sound on the way to his room. He travelled up the stairs, taking extra care to walk on the outer parts of the steps rather than the middle where they would elicit a loud creak in the silence.

Once in the safe haven of his old room he let his bag fall to the floor, flicking on a lamp and sitting on the edge of his bed. The light cast a yellow glow to his room, illuminating the walls gingerly. He pulled out his phone, unlocking it and laying back on the tiny twin-sized mattress, arm behind his head. He checked messages he had missed which turned out to be a couple from a study group chat he had joined and then of course Kunhang. He would be lying if he said he was surprised by the fact. 

**Hen 7:48 p.m.**

_ miss u _

_ can’t wait until break is over, i wish i could’ve come with you :^( _

Xiaojun felt a pang of guilt. His fingers had just started typing when he heard the door ease open. He looked over to see his mother standing in the doorway, a big smile on her face. 

“Juni you’re home!” she said. He was up in an instant to decrease the distance between them, pulling her into his arms and feeling her firm yet gentle squeeze against him. She felt and smelled like home, the overwhelming familiarity that hit him nearly brought tears to his eyes.

“I should’ve told you I made it in but I thought you might be sleeping.” 

She pulled away from the hug, a hand lingering on his arm. “Are you hungry?”

He followed her closely down the stairs after she insisted he come to the kitchen with her. The kitchen was in disarray-- as to be expected with the beginning of Gan'en Jie. His mother had been working tirelessly and aimlessly to prepare different foods for the impending visitors that would grace their presence the following day. And his mother let him try most of what she had been working on preparing.

Xiaojun finally made it back to his room after gorging himself on his mom’s cooking, actually getting the chance to relax. He pulled out his phone, turning it off of  _ do not disturb  _ and redialing the call he had missed from Kunhang while he was downstairs. It felt like he waited forever for him to answer, the ringer droning into his ear. He almost decided against it, the urge to hang up and send him a text instead. Finally a click and silence came from the other end of the line.

“ _ Hey. _ ” Kunhang’s voice was husky and Xiaojun could hear sheets rustle against the microphone.

“Did I wake you up?”

“No, not at all. I was just laying here, sorry it took me so long to answer.” There was silence on the other end of the line. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just thinking a bit.” Kunhang sighed contently.

“Tell me about it.” Xiaojun prodded.

“It’s really nothing, I just… It’s just hard around this time of year. Just seeing everyone around their family and everyone being too busy for me.”

“I’m sorry Hen.” Xiaojun’s mind reeled as he listened to Kunhang’s calculated words, as if he had been wanting to say them for a lifetime.

“No, I’m sorry. That probably sounded super selfish…” Kunhang’s voice got low. “I’m just lonely.” He drew another long breath, shaking as it exited his lungs.

“Hey, hey no I understand and it isn’t selfish. Wanting something like that isn’t selfish you deserve to not be lonely,” Silence again. “It’s not your fault, you know that? I know you blame yourself for what happened with your family and I know you always say ‘what if I hadn’t told them’ and a whole bunch of other ‘what if’s’ but it's not your fault, Kunhang. You didn’t choose to be who you are and you shouldn’t feel bad for accepting yourself enough to come out.”

“I don’t think I ever really told you what happened, did I? Just kind of glazed over it. But they didn’t even bat an eye after telling me to leave, do you know how fucking damning that is? Like you go for so long with your  _ family  _ and just because you’re one thing and not the other they can just drop you like that. It’s so fucked.”

“You can’t choose your family but you can surround yourself with people who won’t do that shit to you. What they did  _ was  _ fucked up and you don’t deserve that, you never have. I can’t change what they’ve done to you or where you came from but you always have our broken little family at school. Kun, Yukhei, and Jungwoo would do anything for you.  _ I’d die for you. _ ”

_ Pang.  _ There it was again, the guilt tangling itself between Xiaojun’s ribs and making its presence known. He should’ve brought Kunhang with him, why did he have to be so selfish?  _ He wouldn’t be like this now if I had only brought him home with me this year.  _ Xiaojun’s mom had even questioned him on the phone when he said that he would be coming home-- only him. She seemed almost frantic asking if Kunhang was sick or if something had happened between the two. Xiaojun had brushed it off and said Kunhang was just going elsewhere for the holiday. What a fucking cop out. 

“Xiaojun?” Kunhang was crying and Xiaojun wished for nothing more than to be where he was. He sounded so pitiful, so weak, so unlike himself and it made Xiaojun feel so bad.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

-x-

**big troll 7:43 a.m.**

he said he loved u? Did u say anythign back?

  
  


**Juni 7:44 a.m.**

………

**big troll 7:44 a.m.**

idk what to expect from this because if u say no ur heartless but if u say yes then ur a weak bitch. so which is it, xiao? 

**Juni 7:46 a.m.**

can you quit being so fucking loud i know how much of an idiot i am for saying it back.

but i don’t care. i do love him.

**big troll 7:49 a.m.**

this is the same Kunhang that broke up w u without giving u any kind of reason however many weeks ago. why r u letting him come back in like this? why r u guys getting close again now? i didn’t think u were even on speaking terms

**big troll 7:52 a.m.**

...

jesus fuck

you guys have been fucking around havent u

**Juni 7:52 a.m.**

listen yukhei

don’t be upset that i didnt tell you

**big troll 7:53 a.m.**

oh im not upset xiao :)

not at all, no

not upset that you just so happened to omit that small little detail from me

im not upset :)))))

**Juni 7:54 a.m.**

you’re scaring me

**big troll 7:55 a.m.**

this changes the pretense of everything u know that right. what even are you guys?

**Juni 7:55 a.m.**

i wish i fucking knew. i want to get back together with him, which is why i even did any of what I’ve done.

**big troll 7:56 a.m.**

???

am i missing smth lol

**big troll 7:59 a.m.**

you mean to tell me that your ex that you still have feelings for tells you he loves you and you’re still slipping into sad boi hours? what’s ur issue

**Juni 8:01 a.m.**

it sounds super simeple but istg its not.

*simple fuck

he’s the one who broke up with me. not the other way around.

**Juni 8:06 a.m.**

im p sure he doesn’t even mean it that way. like there’s no way he could come at me with an ily and mean it after breaking up with me. maybe it’s a “haha love u xiaojun ur like my best bro!” kind of love b ecause it wouldn’t make snese anhytoher way

**big troll 8:06 a.m.**

???

are u good?

**Juni 8:07 a.m.**

sorry the kids just arrived and jumped me which means i: have to go now.

have a good  gan'en jie yuks. you didn’t help me at all but i still appreciate it  (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

**big troll 8:08 a.m.**

gan’en jie, asshole  *:･ﾟ✧

Xiaojun shoved his phone in his pocket before doting on his favourite family members, crouching down and pulling his niece and nephew into a hug. He kissed their cheeks and they smiled at him, as if waiting.

“Oh, right,” he mumbled. He raked a hand forwards through his hair, making it splay across his forehead and cover his eyes. He let go of the kids and was on all fours, a growl erupting from his chest. “The bear’s gonna get you!” He said as they screamed and giggled wildly, running to the next room to hide.

Xiaojun called out loud enough so they would hear him. “I smell you in my cave somewhere. I’m gonna get you!” he lumbered forward on his hands and knees, making his way into the empty dining room. He could see their feet under the small gap between the tablecloth and the floor, listening to them whisper to each other without being able to discern exactly what they were saying. Xiaojun crawled close to the table, snarling at them before grabbing the cloth and jerking it upwards. They screamed again, darting out of his grip before he got the chance to catch them. 

Xiaojun meant to turn without the table cloth still in his grip, however when he tried to follow them he ripped it down, glassware falling onto the hardwood floor and shattering. Xiaojun froze, looking at the crystalline shards and hoping to god that no one heard it. The quick footsteps advancing from the kitchen told him otherwise. He looked up from the ground to see his mom towering over him, he smiled and sat up on his knees, fixing his hair.

“Hello, Mother.”

“Xiaojun what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m playing with the kids--”

“Don’t try to blame this on the kids, they’re in the kitchen.”

“I’m not trying to blame it on them, they were just here I was playing bear and then--”

“Just clean it up and get off the floor.” She said before turning away and going back into the kitchen. 

Xiaojun’s mom was stressed around this time of year, especially once the other parts of their family came in which was understandable so he didn’t press it past that trying to explain himself knowing how hard she worked trying to make sure everyone enjoyed the holiday-- even if it was at her expense. He stood, adjusting the table cloth and sweeping the crystal up, disposing of it in the kitchen where he found Seoyeon and Seojoon sitting on barstools and drinking juice. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Xiaojun stood there expectantly with his hands clasped in front of him.

“Could you wash the dishes?”

Xiaojun nodded, rolling his sleeves and dipping his hands in the lukewarm water. Before long, he felt a presence at both of his hips. He looked down, Seojoon and Seoyeon standing next to him. He bumped both of them playfully and smiled, rinsing a soapy dish and placing it in the drying rack.

“Where have you been?” His niece was the first to break the silence.

“School. My school is far away from here so I have to stay somewhere else.” he explained.

“Do you miss us when you’re gone?” she continued.

“Of course I do, more than anything.” He smiled down at her.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” His nephew was getting to the meat of things quickly. Xiaojun was taken aback, not expecting his little nephew to press him with such a matter.

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” Xiaojun laughed at the question. 

“Oh, so you’re lonely!”

“Oh my god where are you learning this stuff?” Xiaojun pleaded with them, not being able to hide his embarrassed smile.

“I have a girlfriend.” He said proudly, as he hugged onto Xiaojun’s leg.

“You have a girlfriend? Aren’t you too young?”

“Hey, why isn’t Kunfang here?” His niece interjected.

“Kunfang? Who’s Kunfang?”

“The one who always comes for Gan’en Jie!”

“You mean Kunhang?”  _ Pang. _

“Yeah!! Kunhang!! Where is he?” 

“He didn’t want to come this year.” The atmosphere changed and Xiaojun went from being on a high to being right back where he was last night.

“Why not?”

“I dunno.” Xiaojun cut them off, rinsing the last of the dishes and wiping his hands on a clean towel near the sink. He turned and made his way to the living room, sitting on the floor next to the couch where the real adults had all holed up and had begun talking with each other. They were catching up, and Xiaojun just listened to their endless conversations about how things were before and how much things had changed. He listened to them talk about stories he had heard dozens of times about things that happened before he was born. Xiaojun always liked when the older members of his family gathered. He liked to sit there and listen to them speak without actually having to give any input to the conversation. 

Time sort of slipped by him as he went through the motions of a family dinner and holiday celebrations. Most traditions were for the kids and since Xiaojun had transcended the age of which traditions no longer feel as special as they once had. He enjoyed watching the kids’ eyes light up when they received small gifts from the older members of the family. Xiaojun barely noticed when one of his uncles held out a box to him. He nodded his head, letting out a gentle  _ thank you  _ before opening it to find a box of cookies and other snacks. Xiaojun moved around the contents inside, taking a look at his haul of food and noticed something glinting white in the bottom of the box. He curled his fingers around the neck, pulling it up ever so gently just to read the words etched into it. The bottle was round and glossy, a small note taped to the side that read:

_ We know how university is. Have a drink on us! _

_ Love Xifan and Sheli _

He smiled up at his aunt and uncle, they were already looking at him expectantly, Sheli winking at him before returning her gaze to her own children. Xiaojun put the bottle of Baijiu back into the box closing it up for safekeeping, watching the festivities that ensued around him. 

-x-

Xiaojun was a lightweight. Xiaojun knew he was a lightweight but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from drinking the Baijiu he had been given-- and Baijiu was strong. Everything fused together in his mind. He didn’t remember the bus ride much after a certain point. He had sat down in a seat toward the middle, a kid who looked younger than him sat a couple rows in front of him on the opposite side. Xiaojun could see how red his eyes were and they just looked at each other, the boy smiling at him, knowing how fucked the other was. But beyond that, what Xiaojun remembered most were the lights. The streets were covered in neon, immaculate shades of purple, red, and blue fogging his memory. He felt like he was in some kind of dystopia, as if the world had ended and the only three people left on the Earth were the bus driver, the high kid, and Kunhang. Xiaojun reckons he even fell asleep on the ride back to Seoul considering how goddamn long a bus ride from his hometown back to school was. It was a stupid decision to make the trek back in the middle of the night during Gan'en Jie no less. Not to mention he wasn’t sure if he had even grabbed his wallet and had no will to urge his arms to move and tap his pockets for the familiar lump.

The night air was cooler than he had expected, with the temperature still being pretty warm during the day. The September night air didn’t strike him as cold, but still he had goosebumps rising on his exposed arms. The campus seemed a lot more beautiful at night, being illuminated only by moonlight and lamps littered every so often along the concrete footpath, it was something that evoked a poetic feeling out of Xiaojun-- that or he was just so incredibly wasted. His feet somehow took him the familiar route that he always found himself taking one way or another, finally ending up at his destination hours after he had started. Four in the morning never felt so sweet. 

The door flung open and Xiaojun stumbled in. Cool air drafted through from the hallway behind him, ushering in the smell of alcohol.

“What the fuck? Xiaojun? Do you know what time it is?”

“Hey, Kunhangnie. I’m back just like you wanted.” Xiaojun’s words were slurred as he spoke and the boy was holding onto the door knob for dear life as if he was going to float away at any moment.

“Are you drunk?” It was odd seeing this side of Xiaojun especially compared to how well he had at least kept himself composed when they drank together before. It was like he was a whole other person.

“You bet your sweet ass I am! It's how I really do my thinking if you know what I mean.”

“I-- I don’t know what that means. Come in, are you okay? How did you even get here?” Kunhang sighed. “You didn’t drive, did you?”

Xiaojun trudged in and shut the door behind him, shaking his head to answer Kunhang’s last question. He tripped forward on the rug before catching himself. He sank to the floor and leaned back on the heels of his hands in the middle of the floor. Kunhang walked over to Xiaojun and knelt down, holding his arm out to him, expecting him to take it and stand up. Xiaojun reached for his hand, holding their palms together.

“What’s on your shirt?” Xiaojun reeked of alcohol and some mysterious green liquid stained the front of his white tee-shirt. “Let me get you a shirt or something.”

Kunhang grabbed a hoodie that Xiaojun had left there before and helped him out of the ruined top and getting the fresh hoodie over his head-- which was not an easy task considering Xiaojun wouldn’t stop fucking wiggling. 

“I have something to tell you, Hen. And it took my drunk ass to figure it out.”   
  
“Hm?”

“I hate myself for what I am and what I’ve become. I hate myself so much.” Xiaojun’s eyes had gone glassy and his face was twisted. Kunhang sighed again.

“You’re insufferable, you know that? You storm out of here like an idiot then you come back drunk off your ass expecting me to babysit you. I knew you were an emotional drunk. Oh god, Xiaojun please don’t cry it’s okay.”

Xiaojun had tears rolling down his cheeks already along with an ugly sound erupting from his throat. “You’re just like an angel, Kunhang. A guardian angel, it's like you were sent to save me.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Kunhang sat on the floor next to Xiaojun and attempted to comfort him. Xiaojun grabbed him before he even had the chance.

“I adore you so much. I knew my ass was gay but I’ve never liked anyone the way I like you. You’re so fucking special.” Kunhang couldn’t help but to crack a smile even though he was trying to be tough.

Xiaojun pulled Kunhang into his lap and was squeezing him against his broad chest like he was a teddy bear. Kunhang would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying it. 

“God, you’re such a brat. What am I supposed to do with you.”

“I don’t love you anymore, Kunhang. I’m over you.” voice rising, his sobs got louder with the last word out of his mouth. 

“Is that why you’re drunk and crying in my floor?” Kunhang managed to pry himself out from Xiaojun’s vice-like grip just enough to touch his face. Xiaojun found himself at a steady sob, tears continually flowing from his eyes. Kunhang’s hand rested upon Xiaojun’s cheek, caressing the smooth skin. Xiaojun leaned his head into his hand and closed his eyes a bit. 

“Don’t you love me?”

“I love you, Xiaojun.”

“You won’t say the same thing in the morning. You really don’t mean that.” Kunhang pulled his hand away from Xiaojun’s face. “You don’t love me.” 

“You’re the drunk one, Juni. Who’s really saying shit they don’t mean?” Kunhang paused. “Besides, it's already morning.”

Xiaojun whined. “Don’t! Come back.” Kunhang sucked air through his teeth and put his hand back on Xiaojun’s face, he once again leaned into it and closed his eyes.

“Come on, you can’t fall asleep on the floor.” Kunhang wrestled himself out from Xiaojun’s death grip and held out his hand to help the older boy stand. 

Xiaojun actually took Kunhang’s hand this time and held it even after he was standing. Kunhang led him to his bed and helped him in, bringing a facial cleansing wipe along with him so that he could at least clean Xiaojun’s face before he passed out for god knows how long. Xiaojun laid back in the bed, the oversized hoodie swallowing him and almost making him look small as he laid there. Kunhang swiped the facial cleansing wipe over his face, leaving behind a subtle glossy sheen on his skin and the distinct scent of jasmine.

“Kiss me, Kunhang.” 

“Hm?”

“Kiss me. I want you, please kiss me.”

Kunhang sighed and a look of pain slipped across his face almost like Xiaojun’s words had flipped a switch in his brain. “Why can’t you ever do this when you’re sober, Xiaojun.” He tossed the wipe in the trashcan near his bed and sat on the edge. “You hurt me when you do this, you know that right?”

And for once Xiaojun was speechless even in his drunken state. Him? Hurting Kunhang? He could’ve laughed right then and there.

“You broke up with me and you want to talk about being hurt?” Xiaojun took a deep breath. “Do you know how much it hurts to see you act like nothing ever happened between us most of the time and then when we’re alone it's like nothing ever changed in the first place? You know how fucking disorienting it is?”

“Yeah? Well I only broke up with you because I know that you didn’t want to be with me in the first place. After the first time, anytime we would go to do anything together you wanted to smoke or drink, how do you think that made  _ me  _ feel? Knowing that my own boyfriend couldn’t stand to be sober when we were together?” Xiaojun was dismayed at Kunhang’s words-- he was right. Looking back on it Xiaojun had a nasty habit of wanting to get high or drunk before he and Kunhang had sex, but it was because he was nervous not because he couldn’t stand Kunhang. He couldn’t understand why someone as pretty and funny would want to be with someone as ordinary as he saw himself. No matter how many praises he got on his body or his face, he never felt like it was ever true and being so exposed in front of Kunhang fucking terrified him. 

Xiaojun placed his hands on his head. He still felt incredibly hazed but the magnitude of the conversation he was having with Kunhang was pulling him back down, making him choose his words wisely and concentrating on what he said so that he wouldn’t fuck up more than he apparently already had. “It’s not like that, Kunhang. It was never like that.” 

“Then what is it like? Answer me, why do you always do this? You’re the one who pushed me away. I did us both a fuckin’ favour.” Kunhang stood before him, his arms crossed and Xiaojun again felt small. He felt like Kunhang could pick him up and toss him out the window without even batting an eye. This was the worst case scenario. Xiaojun  _ did  _ love Kunhang. In fact, Kunhang is the only person Xiaojun had ever loved in his life and his chest swelled just thinking about it. He was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed Kunhang’s lip trembling, his strong facade faltering as he tried to remain tough in front of Xiaojun. “Just sleep, Xiaojun. It doesn’t fucking matter anyways, it never fucking mattered.” Kunhang’s voice broke with the last syllable and he turned away, a deep breath shuddering out of him. 

“Wait, Kunhang. Please--” Xiaojun sat up in bed, reaching out to him. Kunhang turned his head slightly, his eyes pink and his cheeks stained with tears already. He didn’t respond to Xiaojun, he simply headed to the door and walked out. 

“Fuck.” Xiaojun got out of bed and made his way to the door, his hand resting on the knob and the magnitude of his drunkenness falling on him. How the fuck was he supposed to find Kunhang? How the fuck was he supposed to do anything like this?  _ You’re so stupid. You’re so fucking stupid.  _

Xiaojun sat on the floor, his ass smacking the ground harder than he expected and the pain caused his eyes to water. He put his hands over his face, unable to stop the tears that were now flowing at a steady pace from his eyes.  _ Go to sleep, go to sleep  _ he chanted to himself. He just wanted to wake up normal again, he didn’t want to be drunk anymore. The feeling was suffocating, nothing felt real and dissipated into a soft buzz in his mind that wouldn’t exist tomorrow. Kunhang’s dorm light cast a yellow glow over the room, making Xiaojun feel like he was going to be sick at any moment but he pressed the feeling that was inching out of his throat back down to keep it at bay. He laid back, spread across the floor and felt a lump under his head. He ignored it as best as he could, no motivation proving strong enough to move the annoying bump that felt like it was burrowing into his skull. 

Xiaojun didn’t know when he fell asleep but he knew that it was still dark outside. The light beamed through the barred window and caused him to stir. His mouth was dry amd his back felt like his spine had been replaced by a rotting two-by-four. He groaned, sitting up to an empty room. It took him a moment to realise where exactly he was but the memories come flooding back quickly. He could’ve kicked himself for being such a dumbass. He could remember most of the conversation with Kunhang but everything past that had been obliterated from his head-- the pounding in which starting to get hard to ignore while he tried to sort everything else out. 

He patted the space beside him until his fingers brushed something cool to the touch. He grasped it, holding it in front of his face and clicked the home button, his phone illuminated and the light made him squint at how bright it felt. He scrolled down his notifications, missed calls from his mom littering his lock screen and he made quick work of his fingers, sending her a text letting her know that he was fine and that he had just went back to school for a bit. He scrolled through his contacts until he got to who he needed. The line buzzed in his ear until the husky voice on the other end finally answered.

“Trouble in Paradise?” Xiaojun was silent. “Xiaojun?”

“Hey. I fucked up.” Xiaojun raised his knees, resting his cheek on it.

“What do you mean? What happened?” 

“I don’t even know… Honestly I came back to school last night at the fuck crack of dawn and my aunt and uncle had gotten me Baijiu so I was plastered. And I just wanted to talk to Kunhang so I came to his room but like… shit came out. Real shit.” Xiaojun squeezed his eyes shut. “Found out why he broke up with me! Turns out it actually is all my fuckin’ fault so… there’s that.”

“Did he say that?”

“Well, yeah, Yukhei he made it pretty clear that he thinks I can’t stand him.” He forced out a laugh, trying to lighten the situation if even just a little bit. There was a pause on the other end of the line. 

“Do you want me to come get you?”

“No, it's okay. I have to make things better.” Xiaojun’s voice felt softer. “But could you bring me some coffee?” Xiaojun made himself sound tiny, knowing that Yukhei had a soft spot for him.

Yukhei sighed. “Sure, Jungwoo’s coming though.”

“But he’s so loud.” Xiaojun pouted, whining into the receiver, but Yukhei was already gone.

-x-

“So I watched this movie a couple days ago where this guy thought he was like nineteen but he blinked and suddenly was surrounded by technology and was actually forty-one. Honestly, I've been thinking about it ever since because it would be terrifying to lose your youth like that and just lose all time between nineteen and forty-one. Don’t you think so?”

_ Can you  _ please  _ shut the fuck up.  _

Xiaojun put his hood up, walking along the campus sidewalk with Yukhei and Jungwoo. Their hands were laced and Xiaojun had his fingers wrapped around a hot coffee-- nothing special, just black. The warmth made his head feel less like it was about to explode and save for the jitteriness that went along with the caffeine, the coffee was making him feel a little bit better. However, the fact that Jungwoo had never been silent a day in his life made him feel like Jungwoo was holding him down and personally driving stakes into his ears. He loved Jungwoo, he really did but with such a wicked hangover he wanted nothing more than to crawl into a quiet hole and maybe die there because at least then he’d be at peace.

Xiaojun could at least concentrate on walking and not listen to the boys beside him talk for the moment. He liked that, though. They were kind of like a buffer, he could almost live vicariously through them. Watching them interact was almost like watching a tv show because they always seemed to fit so perfect with each other… they were always so comfortable together and jesus fuck their relationship was almost so perfect that it was unrealistic. 

“-- yeah so it turns out that he actually murdered a family.”

“Wait, really? After all that it was to get him to remember the past twenty years?”

“YES! Can we please watch it together, Yuks, I think you would really like it.” Jungwoo wrapped his other hand around Yukhei’s bicep and Xiaojun swore he could see him turning a gentle shade of pink. They’d been together since before Xiaojun had even known them and Yukhei still blushed because of him. How fucking perfect!

“How are you guys like this?” Xiaojun came off a bit harsher than he meant to, his brain to mouth filter had been thrown completely out the window. “I mean… How did you get so comfortable around each other?”

“What do you mean?” Jungwoo had turned a bit, now facing Xiaojun.

“I mean like… your relationship is just so nice all the time. Nothing is off limits and you do everything together and it just seems so good.”

For once Jungwoo was silent. Their pace had slowed down and Xiaojun’s coffee was mostly gone already. Yukhei was the first to pick the conversation back up.

“We just talk… And we’re best friends too. Jungwoo is just my person, anything good or bad that happens to me I want to tell him or show him or get his opinion on whatever. I think it has a lot to do with being open about-- well, everything. Nothing can be a secret, you know what I mean?”

Xiaojun nodded. “ I know what you mean.” 

It was a simple answer, but one he was too stubborn to work out on his own. Xiaojun needed to talk to Kunhang, he knew that already. His friends’ words were just affirmation that he needed, a push in the right direction. Yukhei grabbed Xiaojun’s arm, stopping him from breaking off from the two of them and they came to a halt. 

“Maybe you should wait just a bit before you go to him. I know he’s at Kun’s because Kun texted me this morning about it.” Xiaojun knew exactly what that meant. He was probably high or drinking which put a huge damper on things. “Just wait until he goes home, I’ll tell him to let me know when Kunhang leaves, okay?”

“We can go to our dorm, you can sleep there for a while if you want. Unless you wanted to go back to your apartment. Completely up to you.” Jungwoo offered.

“Well, I don’t have my car here because I’m a huge dumbass… So I think I’ll have to take you up on the offer. Thanks.”

The trip to their dorm was quick, making it there in about five minutes flat. Yukhei and Jungwoo had some things to do so Xiaojun was left alone for the time being. He collapsed in Jungwoo’s bed, knocking out in a heartbeat. The sheets were cool against his skin and the pillow was almost helping to ease his throbbing head. 

He had a flurry of dreams that forced him awake every so often, nothing he could really remember just colours and swirls were in his head when he would peel his eyes open. He felt like he was on acid, his chest igniting like fire every time he found himself awake. He couldn’t do this much longer-- he felt like he was having a heart attack when he woke up the last time. He sat up straight in Jungwoo’s bed, holding his head in his hands as he drew quick breaths. He felt like he was unable to do anything about the situation at hand-- about both Kunhang and whatever the fuck was happening to him now.

“Are you alright?” Yukhei was beside him, his voice close. Xiaojun looked at him, he could feel tears running down his cheeks and he still couldn’t breathe properly. His heart felt like it was too big for his ribcage and swelling bigger every second.

“I think I’m having a heart attack.” 

“Do you feel numb anywhere? have any pain in your left side?” Jungwoo chimed in from beside Yukhei.

“No, I just can’t fucking breathe. Chest feels… weird.”

“Is that why you’re crying?” 

“I don’t know why I’m crying.” Xiaojun's hands trembled in his lap and he felt so fucking cold.

“He’s having an anxiety attack Yuk. We have to calm him down.” Jungwoo straightened. “Do you want some water?”

Xiaojun shook his head. 

“Yukhei, lay with him. Just comfort him.” Jungwoo said, taking a seat back in Yukhei’s bed and pulling out his phone, resuming whatever he had been doing before. 

“Do you want me to…?” Yukhei’s voice trailed off.

Xiaojun nodded, scooting over to make room for him on the twin-sized mattress. Yukhei sat with his back against the headboard, his legs stretched out. Xiaojun put his head in his lap, one of Yukhei’s arms around his shoulders and the other playing with his hair-- it was a reassuring gesture and Xiaojun concentrated on the way that his fingers slipped through his locks, tugging gently before grazing his scalp and repeating over again. Yukhei was warm, knocking the chill from Xiaojun’s bones. He was still crying, hard enough now where he was whimpering no matter how quiet he tried to be.

“Hey,” Yukhei whispered, “Kunhang left Kun’s place so he should probably be home by now. You can go over there once you feel better and get everything sorted, hm?” 

Xiaojun nodded his head, not finding any use in speaking. The hand that Yukhei had around Xiaojun’s shoulders went to his back, rubbing between his shoulder blades and settling into a calming rhythm. 

Xiaojun felt at ease, his chest not thumping as violently as before and all that remained of his tears were drying against his cheeks. He felt so lucky to have the friends that he did in times like these. They took care of him and he appreciated that beyond words. 

Xiaojun sat up, Yukhei’s hands leaving him and he regretted it because he was still so fucking cold. 

“Thanks for the brother cuddles.” He arched over Yukhei’s outstretched legs and hit the floor.

“Are you going to Kunhang’s?”

“Yeah. I have to rip this off like a bandaid because it’s fucking with my head. There’s really no use in prolonging whatever’s gonna happen…”

“Remember what you texted me yesterday morning? Everything’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

“I hope so.”

“Good luck, Xiaojun.” Jungwoo looked up from his phone. “Come back if you need us, you know we’re here. Always.”

“Text me. And be safe.”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for playing Dads for a few hours. I really appreciate it. See you later.” He felt solemn leaving them behind and he didn’t know why. He felt so close to his friends in that moment. He stepped out of their dorm and closed the door behind him, once again the familiar destination in mind.

-x-

  
  


“Hi.”

“Hey.”

Xiaojun closed Kunhang’s door behind him. Kunhang was at his desk, back hunched over as he read over some papers he had gotten back from his last day of classes. He didn’t turn to meet Xiaojun, just brought his fist up, resting his chin on it and sighing deeply.

“We should talk…”

“No, don’t worry about it Xiaojun. It’s fine.”

“Please don’t say that when you know it's not. Can’t you at least look at me?”

Xiaojun watched as Kunhang’s shoulders rose and fell with the deep sigh that was pushed out of his nose. He swivelled around and Xiaojun got a good look at him. His eyes were red which meant he had either been smoking or crying and Xiaojun didn’t think either option was better than the other. Xiaojun recognised the look on Kunhang’s face, he knew he was putting up a front. It was the same face he wore when he had gotten kicked out from his family’s house. He looked angry but his eyes told otherwise; Kunhang was sad. Kunhang had sad eyes in general and had ever since Xiaojun had known him. Kunhang was a broken person and the way his lip trembled as he stared Xiaojun down from across the room made Xiaojun want to forget anything ever happened, make time reset to when they were still boyfriends when they both were seemingly happy at least for a little while. Xiaojun wanted to hold Kunhang, hold him so tight that Kunhang could pretend that Xiaojun was holding all his broken pieces together. But here they were, in the showdown of the epitome of their feelings for each other colliding without a clue of what to truly do about it between either of them.

“I probably overreacted a bit last night, and I apologise for that.” Kunhang said, his jaw had unclenched and the way his voice rose indicated that his eyes were in fact red from crying. 

“You didn’t, Kunhang.”

“But what I said are my true feelings. I meant every word.”

Xiaojun blinked, remembering just vaguely what Kunhang had said, most of it a distant haze, so unthinkable that it was almost like he had dreamed it all.

_ “You hurt me when you do this, you know that right?”  _ Xiaojun had never wanted to hurt Kunhang and he didn’t even realise that he had. 

“I am so sorry about everything… I didn’t realise that I had hurt you like that.” Xiaojun’s word came out awkward and over-calculated.  _ Jesus just be fucking normal.  _ But everything felt different in this moment. He almost felt like they were two strangers talking, miles away from the people they were yesterday.

“Then why? I just want to know why.” Kunhang uncrossed his arms, his brows raising and his eyes becoming suspiciously wet.

“Fuck, Kunhang. You have no idea do you?” Xiaojun rubbed his face with his hands, sitting on the edge of Kunhang’s bed. It almost felt embarrassing to talk about but Jungwoo and Yukhei crossed his mind, how they talked about everything no matter how embarrassing.  _ You just have to  _ talk. “I’ve been afraid of you.”

“Afraid? What do you mean  _ afraid?”  _ There was a hint of sadness in his words.

“Nothing like that, I wasn’t genuinely scared of you… I was just afraid of what you’d think of me, that I wasn’t going to be good enough for you or that I wasn’t just… enough in general. So being high or drunk made it easier to not be scared and to just loosen up so I didn’t feel like I was shaking or hesitate to take my damn clothes off.” Xiaojun cast his gaze to the floor, he couldn’t bear to look at Kunhang now.

There was a beat of silence and Xiaojun felt like he could choke on the air he was breathing right then and there. He heard Kunhang draw a deep breath before he laughed in spite of the situation. Xiaojun didn’t know whether to be relieved or to be terrified as he jerked his gaze up to meet Kunhang. He was holding his forehead and wore a big grin. “We’re really fucking stupid, Juni.” Xiaojun pouted at him. “Don’t look at me like that, we’ve been fucking pining over each other for god knows how long-- even when we were dating? And neither of us could even say what we were thinking. That’s stupid, we’re both dumbasses.”

“I really am sorry, I--”

“No, don’t be. I’m sorry for not even asking beforehand. Us both assuming what the other was thinking was our hamartia.”

“Hamartia?”

“It led to our downfall.”

There was silence between them again but it was more comfortable than before. Xiaojun could stand to look Kunhang in the eyes but he still couldn’t tell what the other was thinking at this point.

“What’re we gonna do now?” 

“Well… I know what I want to do. But what do you want?”

Xiaojun thought for a moment. “I want whatever you want.”

“You know how I feel, Xiaojun. I told you last night on the phone.”

“You love me~” Xiaojun said teasingly, his tone wagging up and down as he spoke. He couldn’t help the smile that was on his face.

“Why are you like this. Of course I do, Juni.”

“I’ve loved you for years, Kunhang and I think I always will.” Xiaojun fiddled with his hands, rubbing the pads of his fingers together. Kunhang got up and sat next to him on his bed, taking Xiaojun’s hands into his own and running his thumbs over his smooth skin. “We should’ve just talked from the beginning. It would’ve saved a lot of time for us, a lot of sadness. I want you, Kunhang.”

Xiaojun paused for a moment, but there was still so much he wanted to say and fuck was he on a roll with the whole honesty thing thinking back to what Yukhei had told him.

“I want to be your best friend, you’re my person and I want to tell you everything good and bad…” Xiaojun doesn’t know when he started crying again, but Kunhang mirroring the tears rolling down his own cheeks was a pretty good indicator. “I want you and everything that comes with you, your heavy baggage, your early mornings and late nights, the way your hair gets so fucked up when you sleep without you even moving.”

Xiaojun couldn’t press himself to speak anymore.

“When did you become so fuckin’ corny, huh?” Kunhang said, pulling him by the shirt and hugging him tight. He buried his face in Xiaojun’s neck and squeezed him. Xiaojun turned, pulling one of his legs up on the bed so he could hold Kunhang properly as opposed to receiving a half-assed one-sided hug (regardless of the fact that Kunhang really was trying his hardest). 

Kunhang was the first to pull away. He swiped his thumb across Xiaojun’s cheeks and wiped away his tears that were still falling. “Why’re you still crying?” His voice sounded tired and still kind of broken, he had no business asking a question like that when he was in the same boat.

“This scared me, Kunhang.”

“Yeah? Me too… This goes beyond just us dating, you know? You really are my best friend and if I had lost you from something as dumb as this I’d never be able to forgive myself.”

“I’m too whipped to let that happen. Its going to take a lot more than a stupid fight to get me off your back.” 

Silence spread between the two, but it was comfortable. Xiaojun nuzzled Kunhang’s neck with his nose before resting his forehead against his shoulder and closing his eyes. Kunhang kissed Xiaojun’s head and took his chance to spread out on the bed, patting the small empty space beside him. Xiaojun followed suit, throwing his leg over Kunhang so that their thighs were intertwined and he could rest his head on Kunhang’s shoulder. His phone was poking him painfully through his jeans so he pulled it from his pocket, checking for notifications and answering back a text before putting it on the shelf above Kunhang’s bed an arm's length away.

**big troll 6:43 p.m.**

u good?? 

**Juni 7:01 p.m.**

Everything’s gonna be okay

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

  
  
  
  


-x-

Xiaojun stared at his fridge, sleep still fresh in his bones. He felt groggy and had wandered aimlessly down his hallway and into the kitchen to get a glass of water. His throat was on fire and the feeling had jogged his memory as to why he was staring at the magnet-clad fridge. He paused for a moment, a small grin on his face as he let his eyes follow the pictures stuck to the door of him and Kunhang. He sat down on a barstool at the island that lined his kitchen, condensation already forming on his water bottle as he twisted the cap and took a big swig from it. Footsteps led in from behind him, arms wrapping around Xiaojun and lacing together across his chest.

“Can’t sleep?”

Kunhang nuzzled against Xiaojun’s neck, his nose tickling him just the slightest bit. “I was sleeping fine until you ripped the covers off of me and shook the bed getting up.” He laughed, planting a kiss on the side of Xiaojun’s throat.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I’m wide awake now.”

“Me too.” He released Xiaojun and strode to the cabinets. He swung the doors open, hand on his hip as he peered in on the shelves. “Juni?”

“Hm?”

Kunhang turned around, something clutched to his bare chest. “Can we please make this? I’ve been looking at it all week hoping you’d take the hint.” he whined, revealing a box of cake mix in his hands. 

“You wanna bake a cake now?”

“Yeah! Why not?”

Xiaojun got up, pulling a big mixing bowl out of the cabinet and setting it on the counter. “We need oil, eggs, and water.”

Kunhang scrambled to the fridge, grabbing the box of eggs on the top shelf in the door and closing it with the swing of his hips. He picked up the box of cake mix and read the back of it carefully. 

“So… wet and dry ingredients need to be separated into different bowls… mix well… grease pan..” Kunhang plucked the bag of powder from the box and discarded the cardboard over his shoulder. “We don’t need this.” Xiaojun giggled, watching it fall to the floor. He backed up against the counter and put his palms flat against the surface, hoisting himself up and sitting on it as he watched Kunhang get to work on baking the cake. He mixed the oil, eggs, and water in a bowl meticulously before adding in the actual cake mix. Xiaojun felt lost in Kunhang’s presence, feeling so happy that he was there with him and that he had the privilege of watching him bake a fucking cake at 2 a.m. in his underwear.

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Xiaojun was pulled from his trance, Kunhang’s eyes capturing his own, this time he didn’t look away.

“I love you, Kunhang.”

“You’re getting so cheesy on me, come on.” He said, dipping his finger in the cake batter and poking Xiaojun’s nose with it.

“Hey!” Xiaojun jutted out his lower lip, hopping off the counter and rubbing his nose against Kunhang’s shoulder. He caught Xiaojun, pinning his arms down against his sides and he just held him there, his eyes flitting down his face and to his lips. He pressed them together and retreated quickly, just a small peck before doing the same to the tip of his nose and then his forehead.

“I love you too, Juni.”


End file.
